


Crimson Pork

by missdibley



Series: From Siberia With Love [3]
Category: British Actor RPF, Muppets Most Wanted (2014), Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Crimson Peak, F/M, Oral Sex, Smut, caper, crimson pork, intercourse, muppet, totally ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 16:51:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5056339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missdibley/pseuds/missdibley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Great Escapo and his charming wife Bess The Willing set off on an adventure, taking their little ones on an overnight train ride. But little do they know that a stowaway has some unfinished business.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crimson Pork

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by andlifeisgrand.

Miss Piggy wasn’t just having a bad day; she was having a bad life.

It had been five years since she had failed in her plan to trick The Great Escapo into marrying her. She had been sent to prison camp after being found guilty of assault, kidnapping, fraud, and attempted interspecies sexual congress. Since her release, Piggy had traveled throughout the United States, looking up old suitors. She was in need of a sugar daddy who might want to keep company with the porcine princess once again.

But the years in prison had not been kind to Piggy’s character or to her countenance. Copious amounts of purple eye shadow could not distract from the bags that sagged under her blue eyes. Her signature purple satin gloves long gone, she had taken to wearing threadbare arm warmers and a tattered wedding dress. It was the one she had been arrested in. She could rely upon her old beaux for a little money, a hot meal, and a place to stay at least a night or two. But none of them were interested in taking up with her again.

Down to her last few dollars, Miss Piggy sat in the waiting room of Chicago’s Union Station staring glumly at her feet. She looked up at the sound of laughter, just as she was nearly trampled by the two small children making the noise.

“Watch it, brats!” Piggy growled but they didn’t hear her. She was about to yell when two people, a man and a woman, caught up to the little ones and took them in their arms.

“Ah! Harry, Mommy’s got you! You can’t escape from me!” The woman’s cheeks were rosy and her dark brown eyes bright as she cuddled the boy wiggling in her arms. She hoisted him up so he sat on her hip, groaning slightly under his weight.

“Dot, if your Papa hadn’t caught you, who knows what dastardly deeds you and your brother might have gotten up to!” The man’s moustache curled around lips that pursed to kiss his little girl on her forehead.

Dot squirmed out of his arms to stand on the floor, then wrapped one arm around her father’s leg. “But we was racing! And I was gonna win!” She blew an errant curl out of her face and pouted.

“Was not!” Little Harry looked defiant as he challenged his sister’s claim.

“Was too!”

“Was not!”

“Now, now… ” The twins stopped fussing as soon as they heard their mother’s voice, then looked up to find her smiling at them. “No need to get all antsy in the pantsy. We’ll get on the train in due time…”

“Yaaaaaay!”

“And then it’s bedtime for you two…”

“Noooooo!”

The Great Escapo shook his head. “You heard your mother. It’s late enough as it is. You need a good night’s sleep. If you don’t, you’ll be tired tomorrow and you’ll miss everything.”

“What’s everything?” Harry asked.

“Well, there’s the dining car, where we’ll have breakfast and lunch. They cook all of the food on the train in a special kitchen.” Bess ran her fingers through her son’s hair, then began to walk towards the first class lounge where boarding for the Lake Shore Limited was about to begin.

The Great Escapo followed, taking Dot’s hand and matching her little shuffle with small steps of his own. “And we’ll be stopping in a different town practically every hour…”

The voices of the family trailed off as they moved farther away from Piggy, who sat and seethed at the people she had always blamed for her troubles.

 _If moi had only been able to marry The Great Escapo, then Kermy would have been jealous,_ Piggy thought as she took up her seat. _He would have left that harlot and come back to moi. By then, I would have taken The Great Escapo’s fortune, and left him to his simpleton Bess. Mais non! They ruined my plan, and I got thrown in jail while they got married and had those two monsters._

Piggy hopped off the bench, picking up the bindle containing what few possessions she had left in the world as she did so. When the sliding doors of the first class lounge opened, she scampered inside, hiding under the skirt of an elderly passenger who was checking in. From there, it was easy enough for Piggy to dart among the shadows of the train platform undetected, finally tucking herself into the luggage area of the train car where The Great Escapo, his wife and assistant Bess The Willing, and their two children, Harry Houdini Napoleon Jingleheimer Schmidt and [Dorothy Dietrich](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorothy_Dietrich) Nadya Jingleheimer Schmidt, were settling into their bedroom suite for the 19 hour trip to New York City.

* * *

The bedroom suite on the Lakeshore Limited consisted of two identical rooms with a shared door between them to form the suite. Though they had argued over who would get to sleep all the way up in the upper berth, the rocking of the train as it hummed along was shaky enough that Dot and Harry felt safer curled up together in the lower bunk instead. Tucked in with their lovies (a grey bear for Harry, a purple mouse for Dot), the twins yawned as their father told them a story. Then the twins fell asleep to the sound of their mother singing their favorite lullaby:

 _John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,_  
_His name is our name too._  
_Whenever we go out,_  
_The people always shout,_  
_"John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!"_  
_Da da da da da da da da!_

The Great Escapo and Bess took a moment to look at the children as they slumbered. While both had their mother’s coloring, Dot’s hair was curly as the day is long while Harry’s was pin-straight. Dot had her father’s long elegant nose and her mother’s rosebud lips. Harry had his mother’s button nose but his father’s delicate mouth and square jaw. Children safe and sound, Bess and the Great Escapo retired to their half of the bedroom suite.

The Great Escapo left the door between the bedrooms ajar, propped open just enough so that they could hear the children should they wake up in the night asking for a glass of water or a hug and a kiss. When he tried to crawl into bed with her, removing his pyjama top as he did, Bess pushed him back.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She quirked an eyebrow at him when he reached over and switched off the reading light.

“Getting into bed with my wife.” The Great Escapo boosted himself up on his arms, hovering over her so he could press gentle kisses to her jaw.

Bess purred in his ear, relishing the attention. She ran her hands up and down his arms, then over his bare chest. “And how do you suppose you’ll manage? This bunk is hardly long enough for me.”

“Well,” he relented, ‘if you’re going to banish me to the upper bunk, by myself, might I have a good night kiss at least?”

“Very well, darling.” Bess pursed her lips and tilted her chin up to him.

The Great Escapo chuckled. “Oh no, dear. Not there.”

“Oh Johnny…” Bess sighed, then closed her eyes.

The Great Escapo sat back on the floor and helped Bess sit on the edge of the bed. He growled when he pushed up her white cotton nightgown to reveal the blue knickers she wore underneath.

“Take them off me, dear?” Bess whispered. Her eyes grew wide when he shook his head, and instead began to tug on them with his hand, sliding the thin strip of cotton back and forth between her legs. She gasped at the sensation of the fabric as it rubbed, gently though insistently, against her clit and her slick folds. When she began to let her head fall back, he shook his head.

“No, dear,” The Great Escapo growled before pressing a kiss to her inner thigh. “I want to see your face when you come.” He continued tugging on the underwear with one hand, slipping two fingers from the other hand slowly into her.

“Oh John…” Bess moaned, and at that The Great Escapo pulled the fabric to one side, leaned in and replaced his fingers with his tongue. He closed his eyes as lapped slowly at her slit, moaning as he tasted her. When Bess grabbed his hair, he pursed his lips around her clit and began to suck, slipping his fingers inside her again so they brushed that very tender spot just within his reach.

The Great Escapo looked up at Bess’s face as he continued to pleasure her with his mouth, groaning appreciatively as she returned his lustful gaze with one just as passionate. She licked her lips, mimicking the movements of his tongue with hers. The straps of her nightgown slid off the shoulders the more Bess squirmed, the closer she got to her peak. When one soft breast escaped, The Great Escapo boosted himself up and captured it his mouth. He kicked his pajama bottoms off.

“Please Johnny,” Bess moaned as she fell back against the bunk. The Great Escapo accepted her invitation, climbing up onto the bed then kneeling just in front of her. Pulling her closer, he brought her legs up, draping them over her shoulders. When he entered her slowly, the two of them moaned together as he filled her.

The Great Escapo let the steady movement of the train rock them, occasionally snapping his hips if the train happened to cross a particular rough patch of track. Soon, though, he began to roll his hips into Bess. Before he could ask, she brought her hands up to her breasts and began to touch herself. His eyelids were heavy, but he kept looking at her, the way her face flushed, a delicate pink against her ebony curls. He loved watching her tease her nipples until they were hard, and ready for him to suck.

“Come for me, darling.” He whispered. When Bess nodded, he leaned forward, propping himself up on his arms so he could pump into her harder. The Great Escapo kissed her, their tongues exploring and playing almost gently while below his strokes were getting deeper and faster.

“Oh Bess…” he moaned. Bess slipped a hand between them, finding her clit with her fingers. Just the merest brush of her hand, coupled with the wonderful pounding of her husband’s cock into her core, triggered the orgasm that had begun as a warm knot in her stomach, and was now jolts of heat and pleasure that coursed throughout her body. The Great Escapo cried out, whispering in Bess’s ear as he spilled inside her. Bucking at first as his own climax seized him, he let these last ecstatic spasms take him before he could relax into his wife’s warm embrace.

“Oh dear,” Bess smiled as The Great Escapo kissed her neck.

“What is it love?” The Great Escapo lifted his head so he could look at Bess’s sweet face.

“We must travel by train more often, wouldn’t you say?” Bess giggled.

“Eheheheheheheheh,” The Great Escapo chuckled. “I agree. It’s the only way to go. I’m not sure we could get this kind of, erm, assistance if we were on an airplane.”

“I wonder how it would be on a boat,” Bess mused. She squealed when he flicked his tongue around the taut nipple of her left breast.

“I’m sure, however it is, that it will be an adventure.” The Great Escapo sighed then shifted in the bunk, so that Bess could snuggle into him, his feet only just hanging over the edge.

In the corridor, Miss Piggy glowered, then put down the glass she had used to listen to their ardent lovemaking. Muttering to herself, she was about to make her way back down to the luggage area to plot when she was interrupted by the sleeping car attendant.

“Ticket please.” He leaned forward, a doubtful look on his face as Miss Piggy set down her bindle.

“Oh, I do not have a ticket, kind sir, nor the money to pay for one. But…” she murmured as she ran a hand up and down his leg, “I have other ways of paying my way.”

The attendant, being rather unethical, only glanced over his shoulder before leering at the pig. “I’m sure you do. If you’ll follow me, I can show you to a room where we can, um, discuss how you intend to pay your fare.”

“After vous, s’il vous plait!”

Piggy picked up her skirt and swept after him into the bedroom next to the twins, squaring her shoulders and smoothing down her skirt before he locked the door behind her. She allowed the attendant to help her sit on the bed, peering at him as he licked his lips and began to take down his trousers.

“I’ve never fucked a Muppet before.” He joined Piggy on the bed, sitting back to enjoy the sight of her reclining before him. She pulled her skirt up so it covered the tops of her thighs, which were now spread.

“You know how people say you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear?” She whispered. When the attendant nodded eagerly, she smiled.

“That’s true. However,” she whispered, placing her hand on her thigh. “You can certainly make a silk purse out of a sow’s…”

“Yes?” He moaned. “Out of a sow’s what?”

The attendant leaned in, closing his eyes, so he missed it when Piggy lifted her hand and brought it down, hard on the back of his head.

“Hai-ya!” She cried, moving out of the way as the man fell forward, unconscious on the bed. Piggy hopped down and grabbed the ring of keys from his belt, which had been her quarry all along. She escaped into the corridor, locking him in so he’d be out of the way while she dealt with The Great Escapo and Bess and their insufferable brats.

* * *

“Dot!”

Dot slept on, thumb tucked into her mouth, while her brother Harry whispered to her in the dark.

“Dawt!” He poked her gently in the tummy, which finally woke her up.

“Hawwy, what is it? Do you need the bafroom?” Dot rubbed her eyes , then swung her chubby legs over the side of the bed. She stuck her hand out for him to take, ready to help him to the tiny bathroom like a good big sister would. She was exactly one minute older than her brother, but it might as well have been one year. She took her responsibility as the older twin seriously.

“No! I heard a noise. Over there!” He pointed at the door, leading to their parents room. The door had shut, but they could hear mysterious sounds coming from behind it.

“Huh. Do you think Mama and Papa are moving furniture again?” Dot wondered.

Harry shook his head. “I don’t think so. It sounds like things falling down, not like Papa shouting or Mama singing.”

Dot nodded. “We have to go check it out, Hawwy. What if they’re in twouble?’

Harry gulped. “Okay. But you have to hold my hand.”

Dot nodded. “Yes. Let’s go!”

Once they hid their dolls for safekeeping they crept, hand-in-hand, to the door. Dot tried the handle and it swung down, so she pushed the door open. The twins sidled in, holding their breath for whatever awaited them.

Before them, Miss Piggy was in a frenzy, going through the contents of a trunk she had strewn about the floor. Above her, The Great Escapo and Bess slept peacefully, wrapped around each other under the covers.

“Just need to find… a dress… gloves… anything. Moi cannot execute my dastardly plan until I am outfitted properly!” Piggy muttered to herself, oblivious to the twins standing a few feet away.

“HEY!” Harry yelled as he pointed at Miss Piggy. “You stop that!”

“Who said that?” Piggy looked in the direction of the voice, her bloodshot eyes finding Dot and Harry. “YOU BRATS!” In her rage, she forgot herself as she rushed forward, arm raised to strike them.

The twins yelled back as they sprung into action. Harry curled up into a ball that Piggy immediately tripped over so she fell flat on her back. At that, Dot sat on Miss Piggy’s chest, pinching her nose while Harry popped up and sat on Miss Piggy’s stomach.

“What is going on here?!” The children turned at the sound of their mother’s voice, which rang out in panic. “Dot! Harry!”

“Mama! Mama! Mama! We found this piggy going through your things!” Harry yelled.

“And we caught her! We caught her! She’s a thief!” Dot bounced excitedly, which made Miss Piggy yell in pain.

“Children!” The Great Escapo got out of bed, wearing his wife’s nightgown as he had hurriedly dressed under the covers when they were woken up by the noise. He stood over the twins, who looked as proud as if they had caught a monster. “This is… this is Miss Piggy! She was the one who tried to hurt Mama, and tried to keep us apart, before you were born!”

“Her?!” Bess joined her husband once she wriggled into his pyjama top, that fell to her thighs like a mini dress. “Why you little…”

“Language, darling!”

“Children, cover your ears.” Bess instructed. When Harry and Dot clamped their hands over their ears, she hissed “You little bitch! I’m going to kill you!”

“Ah Madame Bess, I would not do that if I were you!”

They turned at the sound of Jean Pierre Napoleon’s voice as the man himself strode into their suite. He held up the ring of keys Piggy had left in the lock. “If you will allow me, I can take care of Mademoiselle Piggy for you. We have been tracking her since her release, waiting for to pull something like this. We thank you for your cooperation. Thees time, we shall make sure no parole board will release her ever again!”

“But mister, we caughted her ourselves! With our bare hands! She’s ours!” Dot looked at Harry, who nodded in agreement.

“I understand, my leetle friends. And on behalf of a grateful Interpol, I thank you. But if you will permit me and my colleagues…” Napoleon gestured at the two burly agents who stood just outside the bedroom, questioning the now conscious sleeping car attendant, “we can take care of the swine from here.”

The Great Escapo knelt on the floor and addressed Harry and Dot, holding their hands in his. “Is that alright? Would you let kind Mr. Napoleon take care of Miss Piggy, put her away so she can’t hurt you or me or…” He choked up a little, reaching for Bess’s hand. “Mama ever again?”

The twins nodded. “Of course, Papa.” Dot smiled.

“Yes, Papa.” Harry looked serious.

“This isn’t the last of me! You’ll be sorry!” Miss Piggy squealed as Mr. Napoleon and the Interpol agents took her into custody, binding her wrists and ankles before carrying her out.

Bess, who carried Dot in her arms, shook her head. “No. I don’t suppose that we will.”

The Great Escapo, holding Harry in his arms, joined his wife and daughter as they stood watching Miss Piggy get hauled away. “But just in case this isn’t the last of you, we’ll be ready. All four of us.”

The family looked down the hall, waiting until Miss Piggy and her captors were out of sight, before closing the door and taking a much deserved breath.

Harry yawned then looked up at his father. “Papa, I’m hungry.”

“Me too!” Dot’s eyes sparkled. “Do you have anything to eat?”

Bess looked at her watch. “It’s just about 6:00. I think breakfast is being served in the dining car.” She smiled at her family. “Shall we? I don’t think capturing a wanted criminal is complete until we’ve had a meal to celebrate.”

The Great Escapo nodded. “I agree. Dot? Harry? What would you like to eat?”

The twins grinned at each other, then looked at their parents.

“BACON!”


End file.
